Nervous

I am not so sure why I am nervous about sharing my personal and more often then not not so nice thoughts on the web for whoever wants to see.  A bit about me, I am 30'ish married and have 2 fantastic children a boy 15 and a second boy 9 months.  My first son was a surprise blessing when I was young and my second son a hard fought victory after a battle with infertility and ectopic pregnancy.  I am so blessed to have both of these boys.  My husband and I have a frustrating filled love relationship.  We love each other though are we in love any longer(not so sure) and can we make it through as our relationship changes throughout our sons first year. You see husband(H going forward) is not my oldests biological father and while we have been together for years(like 12) our youngest is his first stab at babydom, coupled with the fact that he is unemployed so staying home with small child(SC going forward) and that we have VERY different ideas on how we should parent it has been a challenge. Some days I want nothing more then to throw my self and my boys in the car and drive as far away as I can and start over.  Then reality sets in and I get a bit sad and frustrated at the state of my life again. 
That being said this frustration that I am feeling is not stopping me from wanting another child.  You see my H and I have 5 frozen little guys that I want to use to try for one more.  My H on the other hand says that he does not want to or that he wants to wait and see- hello I am not getting any younger folks.  While I know that our financial situation is not the greatest we are not destitute and could certainly afford another child especially if he would get off his lazy ass and do SOMETHING( detect the bitter tone).  As logical as some concerns are I do not know if I could forgive him for making me give up on having another child.  That would in my mind break our relationship.  I know that sounds selfish but it is how I feel.
I was a bit unsure starting this blog but it may work I feel a bit better.  We shall see where it goes.