I am here

I know that this is just for me but I am here.  Not sure where that is but it is where I am.  Life is so up and down and down and up.  Today is the funeral for my neices good friends mother(32) who died at home with her husband and 3 children under 8.  So incredibly sad for this family and so anxious for my own.  What if something happens to me how will they cope.  I am so afraid of dying that it keeps me up at night.  2 years ago my husband lost his mother she had a cold and then died in her sleep, my boss lost her exhusband(her 3 boys lost their father) he died in his sleep and then this one hit close to home.  I am afraid of not being here for my kids and my husband(even though he drives me nuts and I am not sure what our future holds) I am scared of being gone. 
So today I am here and I am praying for the B.unch family now just Dad and three girls as they say goodbye to their mom.

Frustrated

I am so frustrated with my H and my life some days that I want to scream.  I wish that he and I could effectively communicate but sometimes talking to him is like talking to a child.  On the flip side sometimes I am a bitch and just do not want to be nice to him at all.  I know that I need to work on that but I mean come on you are a grown man and you act like a toddler get angry and pouty and walk away when something is said that you do not like.  You use the excuse of being angry and not wanting to deal with it right then so you don't explode to avoid dealing with anything.  I keep warning you that I am getting to the point of no return one day I will just walk away and be done with you.  Some days it feels like that day is coming sooner rather then later.  Why am I the one who always has to feel angry and frustrated and like nothing gets accomplished. 
I am becoming a shell of myself and I see it happening and feel like I cannot stop it.  I come home from work at a job, that though I used to love it, I hate to spend time with my boys and then do nothing no cleaning no laundry just nothing and I hate that too.  I am losing myself because I am angry at you.
Today I am feeling very frustrated.

Nervous

I am not so sure why I am nervous about sharing my personal and more often then not not so nice thoughts on the web for whoever wants to see.  A bit about me, I am 30'ish married and have 2 fantastic children a boy 15 and a second boy 9 months.  My first son was a surprise blessing when I was young and my second son a hard fought victory after a battle with infertility and ectopic pregnancy.  I am so blessed to have both of these boys.  My husband and I have a frustrating filled love relationship.  We love each other though are we in love any longer(not so sure) and can we make it through as our relationship changes throughout our sons first year. You see husband(H going forward) is not my oldests biological father and while we have been together for years(like 12) our youngest is his first stab at babydom, coupled with the fact that he is unemployed so staying home with small child(SC going forward) and that we have VERY different ideas on how we should parent it has been a challenge. Some days I want nothing more then to throw my self and my boys in the car and drive as far away as I can and start over.  Then reality sets in and I get a bit sad and frustrated at the state of my life again. 
That being said this frustration that I am feeling is not stopping me from wanting another child.  You see my H and I have 5 frozen little guys that I want to use to try for one more.  My H on the other hand says that he does not want to or that he wants to wait and see- hello I am not getting any younger folks.  While I know that our financial situation is not the greatest we are not destitute and could certainly afford another child especially if he would get off his lazy ass and do SOMETHING( detect the bitter tone).  As logical as some concerns are I do not know if I could forgive him for making me give up on having another child.  That would in my mind break our relationship.  I know that sounds selfish but it is how I feel.
I was a bit unsure starting this blog but it may work I feel a bit better.  We shall see where it goes.